My Great Awakening
I’m not one who really likes talking about himself. But I am not so guarded that I am unwilling to share personal “info” about myself when asked by a sincere party. Lord knows I wish my own children would ask more questions about who I am, who I once was, what my life growing up was like, etc. I only say that because those are the inquiries I regret never asking my own father before he died at just about the age I am now. But I am writing this article with the hope that my experience might help another deal with what is just over the horizon for humanity in our day and age. There is a fundamental shift that is about to happen – is happening, really – concerning human consciousness. How do I know that? Because others are saying so? No, “I” know it because it is happening to me personally – and has been for a long long time. I am no clairvoyant, no “seer”, no mystic of any sort. I’m just an older guy, grandfather of four, who has been extremely blessed my entire life – that fact is in hindsight.
You see, I believe most of us take for granted the blessings we are given in life, when they are right in front of us. The blessing of having wonderful parents we fail to take the time to really get to know until it is too late. The blessing of good friends whose relationship you let slip over the years until time and miles hide you from one another. But there is one blessing I want to address here that is especially unique, and quite amazing. And it has to do with “awakening”.
Now, at just about the age of 60, I consider myself “awakened”. If you click the labyrinth in the right column there you’ll get quite a full picture of what I mean. How did this happen? When did I “awake”? What was it like to become “awake”? Well, to begin with, let’s be clear, God is merciful, kind, loving and very, very patient. My personal awakening has been a long road. And I believe it has been such a long road because of who I once was and how wrapped up in “me” I had always been. For some reason, however, God saw something in me that was worth being patient for. He pursued me is the point, long before the scales from the eyes of my heart began to fall away. So here is where I share that road.
I wasn’t particularly popular in high school, but I was part of a fairly tight circle of friends. This was the “party” crowd. What’s more, my closest friend was a member of a band, so I did a fair amount of travelling around to gigs to help out. Most of the time, however, we hung out in this garage or that and got high while the band practiced. To be fair to myself, I was no “druggie” by any means. Yes, I did experiment with this and that (with one exception aside from pot that I did almost go too far with that is not relevant to this story). In spite of this “lifestyle” my grades were always kept high (fortunately for me that was not a huge challenge) and I never got in trouble with the law. (In fact many years later it would be my “youthful experiences” that would be a large part of the reason I was sought after to join the local Police force).
One of the big things in my day was parties. Here’s the general scenario. Some wealthy kid’s parents go out of town for several days. The spoiled kid throws a party in the house while they are gone. News of such a happening spread like wildfire through the “party” community. The house was usually flooded by up to a hundred individuals doing all sorts of “nastiness”. Quite honestly, I never understood how a person could do that to their parent’s home.
I was 17. Big party at “so and so’s” house Friday night. The house was at the end of a cul-de-sac at the top of a hill. The backyard overlooked the entire city. My friends and I had to park down the vehicle-lined street. Fortunately on this particular occasion, I gave a ride to only one, very dear friend who would not question my motives later on in the evening. So as we walked up the street to the house, at the end of the driveway stood a familiar student. In his hand he held a Bible. He was not preaching, he was not shouting out regarding the iniquities going on inside. He just stood there, obvious, simply asking people not to go in. He asked me. I smiled, not wanting my good time to be squashed by anything, or anyone.
I was barely high, if at all when this buddy of mine and I were told some people were doing “lines” in a back bedroom. So off we went. In the room were maybe four other people besides the two of us. As we sat there, presumably waiting for our turn for a “line”, there was a girl who was already far beyond high on Lord only knows what. I sat in a sort of mental haze as I watched her attempt to light a cigarette for something like 10 minutes until she had smoked down the entire filter – she had the cigarette in her mouth backwards. It may not sound like a “wow” moment, but it certainly was for me. I don’t remember now if my buddy and I did a “line”, but once we left the room and I took another good look around me, I told Charley it was time to go. Being so close, he did not question me (he was actually a much better person than I).
As I reflect on that night I realize that was the first time in my recollection when God attempted to get my attention. By the way, when we left, the young man with the Bible was no longer there. Was he really there at all?
That night stuck with me for some time – the young man with the Bible, the young lady throwing her beauty away on drugs, all the questions that invaded my mind in those moments. It was at 17 I first asked “the big questions” about life. So I started doing a bit of research. Back in those days we had no internet. Our internet was called a library where you begin your search for information not by putting a query term into a box, but rather looked through a huge set of cards in a card catalog, then taking the alphanumeric code and hunting down the book on the shelves. I really do miss those days.
I read or skimmed through several books on various religions – Buddhism, Hinduism – I don’t remember what else at this point. Until I came to find one particular book. It’s an odd note that I never did delve into Christianity at the time. Why that is I believe becomes clear later in the story, though it isn’t terribly important for the purpose of the story.
I don’t remember exactly how I found this book, but it was a book on the Kabbalah. I also don’t remember now if the information was of a “black hat” nature or “white hat” (in hindsight, probably the former). Suffice it to say it taught that there was a way to “get in touch with” “higher” beings. I guess it was probably an incantation. So in all seriousness and desire “to know” I put it into practice. I have to tell you, it was the first time in my life I learned the depths of fear that exists within oneself. Why? Because I got an answer. I connected with “something” that scared the hell out of me.
That was that. Though the questions about life never left my mind and heart, I was done real quick with looking for answers. I slipped quite easily back into the world of “me” after that experience.
Because back in those days – and quite a few years beyond – I was ignorant and very self focused and may have missed other potential “wake up calls”, I now skip ahead all the way into my second marriage (my only honest marriage built on God’s Love – to the woman I have now been married to for almost 30 years – another amazing story).
Back then we lived in an apartment complex. I drove a truck for Dreyer’s Ice Cream (this was in California), which meant I started my day in the depot at about 3:30 – 4 AM and was off work by around 2 or 3 PM every day. I had the afternoons to myself. How did I spend them? Worshiping the sun of course! I would go down to the pool, swim a bit and layout to get an awesome tan, which, for me, wasn’t too difficult.
One day I was alone in the pool area and decided to get into the jacuzzi. So I’m sitting back, eyes closed, relaxing, when I realize someone else is getting into the jacuzzi with me. I believe my eye level at that moment was about even with the edge of the tub. I opened my eyes and what is the first thing my eyes see? A Bible! And the person getting in the jacuzzi? A young man with an eager – yet sincere – look on his face. I was out and gone in less than 30 seconds. He never had a chance.
As I firmly believe, as I know to be the Truth, what God wants, God gets. The unfortunate part of that is that He will not ever transgress our free will. Our free will is what provides us the foundation upon which to grow – in consciousness, in love, in our humanity. And He does not yell to get our attention, though through the often unfortunate realities we so often create for ourselves, He takes those moments of our declination and despair to get His Word in edgewise. It is the same as Truth itself. Truth is a vibration, a frequency. It is a subtle “small voice” that exists just below the surface of our precious little bubble we call “self” (that is an intentional small “s”). One must be tuned to it in order to “have eyes to see and ears to hear.” But what about the person who forcibly avoids “tuning in” – like yours truly? And there is the genius of God. What He wants, He gets. And He wants you, me, all of us. In my case the turning point in my life came one day with the “flip” of the tuning dial of my truck’s radio – a moment of opportunity for God to cast His net and pull this poor drowning sod of a person to shore.
The truck I drove for Dreyer’s was a straight truck (a truck with a large, rectangular cargo area for shipping – in this case ice cream). The turn radius on such a truck is a bit wide and a vehicle you can’t (or should not) attempt to handle with only one hand on the steering wheel. I was headed back to the depot after my daily route was over. I was coming down the road up to the left turn I had to make to get onto the depot’s road. Up to the turn I had been futzing with the radio looking for music to listen to (rock n’ roll, what else?). I suddenly realized I was at my turn. Just before grabbing the steering with both hands, I spun the dial on the radio. As I made my turn the dial stopped perfectly tuned to a station. What was playing on that station changed my life forever.
One the radio was a preacher named Greg Laurie. His voice somehow grabbed my entire being. So much so that I was “hooked” into listening to what he had to say. He was expounding on the “Good news”. He spoke of God’s forgiveness; Of God’s desire for all of His children to “come into the fold”, no matter their past, nor their present.
As I continued listening, I pulled into the depot and before getting out of the vehicle and plugging it in (it was a freezer truck, so there were “end of shift” protocols to follow), I simply sat, both hands on the wheel, staring at nothing in front of me. At the end of his sermon, he gave an offer for anyone listening to give themselves up to the Grace and Love of God, to give “their hearts to Jesus”. I had never in my life heard anything like this before. It was in that moment that my heart was broken in order that it might become open. In utter tears I “gave my life to Christ”. I have never looked back. Yes, I have deviated, but once you put all that you are in front of you and take that long, hard look in that mirror, then realize that “this” fixes all, it does not matter from that point forward whether you fall or not. A Desert Father is noted as stating, “when you fall, you simply get back up and keep moving forward.” Saint Paul taught that it is not the achieving, but rather the striving, that matters.
So is that it? I was “saved” and eventually came “to know it all”? “Eventually” is a funny word. Yeah, “eventually” I think I did come to know a lot. But the road before me was still long and wrought with twists, turns, toils and troubles. You see, the Truth is not a virus that grows within you whether you like it, or help it, or not. It is a pesky thing. Because you reach a point where you get that deeper-than-ever fresh breath and as you slowly exhale, you say to yourself in all honesty and surety, “I have finally arrived!” And either in that moment, or sometime later, Truth taps you on the shoulder and whispers, “you thought so, eh? No, pal, not yet – there’s more.”
“Eventually” I purchased my first Bible – in a Bible store! Talk about a stranger in a strange land. Next was finding a church. As “fate” would have it, my wife worked with a man who attended a church in the area. Boy, stranger in an even stranger land. During the next couple of years I studied the Bible, I mean studied. I would lock myself in our kid’s room and pray and read and pray and read, holding God to the promise that His Spirit would teach me and give me all of the answers I sought, which He did. You see, there is a very direct correlation between the depth of your sincerity and the depth of knowledge you will be shown. Remember that point – it becomes critical later in this story.
Fast forwarding a bit, we come to the point where the pastor of the church we were now members of, asked me to become part of a group of “future church leaders” he was putting together as the church was growing by leaps and bounds. I was humbled. Not long after, however, I was astonished.
I had been studying the Bible, and praying like there was no tomorrow for so long that its deep Truths and lessons had become part of my very being – and still are to this day. In other words, I knew a thing or two. So one early morning with this group in the pastor’s office, the pastor expressed his struggle with whether or not to build a new church building. So he had gone away by himself for a week in a friend’s cabin to spend time in prayer. During that time, he was telling the twelve of us (heh) in the room, that he had told God that if this and that occurred, he would know God wanted him to build a new church. Did you catch that, as I did in that moment in a room full of Godly men? The pastor was exhibiting an insecure faith in the Will of God, as expressed in Judges 6 when Gideon, in trepidation asked God for a sign through the laying out of a fleece. Very innocently, after hearing the pastor state this, I raised my hand and simply asked in all innocence if that was not the same as laying out a fleece before God. Wow, the energy in that room shifted – eleven other men and the pastor – and was suddenly very negative and directed at me. We did not last long at that church after that.
In the meantime I had taken my studies a bit further and found (online by this time) writings of the Desert Fathers. I was amazed at the depth, the mysticism, I was learning from these works. I was at the core drawn to these hermits of the deserts of Egypt who found God in the wilderness. I came to understand that their outward wilderness was simply a reflection of the wilderness of their own being and THAT is where they found God. I began to question why the church we had been going to for so long (that in several distinct ways proved itself to be, let’s just say, “not on the so up and up”) never mentioned any of these Holy persons. Long about the same time my wife had another close friend at work who had sitting on his desk an Icon of a Saint.
Before I continue – here again was one of those times where God kept nudging me, almost with a sense-felt giddiness on His part, saying “there’s more, there’s so much more! Keep digging!” Why?, because God knows who you (we) are. He pays little attention to the outward, for He looks straight into your heart and reads you, well, like a book. He knew I craved more, so He led me to where I wanted to be, where He wanted me to be – the most sublime synchronicity of the Ages.
I should point out real quick that we had since moved to Northern California and this new friend was in a different company etc. So my wife asked her friend about the icon. He was a deacon in the Eastern Orthodox Christian Church. He invited us to check it out. Before this, after the move, I had attended several “protestant” churches in search of a new “church family”. Suffice it to say, there really are some strange cats out there among us. I could not, would not, hook myself to any of them. So we took a chance on this “Orthodox Church”.
I don’t know if you have ever seen the inside of an Orthodox Church, well, it is rare to find one like St. Seraphim’s Orthodox Church in Santa Rosa, CA. It is built 100% top to bottom in the ancient tradition of church architecture and fresco paintings. Search for it online. It is a wonder to behold. Actually, I will make the image for this article a photo of the inside of the temple (That’s it above).
When we first began attending Liturgy at St. Seraphim’s, the fresco work was only partially done. All of the artwork is done by the icon painters of a local monastery following very ancient methods in frescos painted in egg tempera (if I recall correctly). Today the inside of the temple is quite literally heaven on earth. It is not the majesty of the iconography, nor the candle lighting, nor the exacting way in which the sun’s rays burst through the windows. What I realize now I “felt” back then was the depth of Christian Mysticism that hearkened back to ancient times and brought forth Truths I would only still later come to learn on my own. I recently shared with an online friend that I am a baptized Eastern Orthodox Christian (and, more succinctly, St. Seraphim’s is a Russian Orthodox Church) to which he replied that it is interesting because that particular Christian Church holds to mysticism more than any other. That meant a lot to me because, though we no longer attend Liturgy in any church, I adhere to the personal praxis established in my daily life and hold precious my baptism into this rule of faith. I simply feel sure that what I now know and understand about Mysticism (or Esotericism) would not be acceptable within the confines of church Theology, much the same, I might say, as Origen was eventually “booted” for his teachings that for centuries were fully accepted and taught.
This is where my story gets a bit fuzzy, even for me who has lived through it. Simply put, I just kept digging. Somewhere along the way I read Plato’s record of Atlantis, which led to a bit more research with more contemporary views on the subject. Enter a yearly reunion with my brothers in our then hometown of Boise, Idaho. We were walking around downtown one day and slid into a used bookstore. Did I mention I love books, especially old books? As is usually the case with me as the family “black sheep”, I wandered my own way into the jungle of treasures before me. I picked up this book and that book to purchase. In particular I was looking for information on Atlantis. Then I saw it. A small slender book on Atlantis by one Rudolf Steiner. Thumbing through it I could not believe what I was reading. Right there, once again, an entirely new world unfolded before me, like the world I knew, or thought I knew, was an onion with untold layers of discovery that would never end – and, quite honestly, has not yet ended.
So what about Atlantis? Well, it was a real place, a real society, the root of who we are today. But all of that is for another time. The important take away from finding that book was the author. Oh boy talk about layers. I can’t even begin to express the depth and breadth of reality that Rudolf Steiner opened up for me. I will let you do that research for yourself. But RS led to my revisiting Buddhism, Hinduism and so much more. How much more? Like I said above, click on that Labyrinth in the right column and you will see.
So what does all of this have to do with awakening to what is happening in the world today? As I write this the world is still in utter crazy, wicked, turmoil of the highest degree. We have relatives with close friends that have killed themselves over the intense stress caused by what is going on in the world. And those only a week apart. It appears, by all rights, that Truth is under siege. But, I assure you, that is not the case. What does my spiritual journey have to do with all of this? I have a saying that I use to simplify my answer to that question: Everything (in life) is Spiritual. There is no separation between what is going on “down here” and what is going on “up there”. In the material I point you to in the right column, search for the term “Seven Hermetic Principles” or choose “The Kybalion” in the navigation. You will find that the second principle, “The Principle of Correspondence”, states “as above so below”. Hint: the Kybalion is a good place to start if you want to dive in feet first.
Everything is Spiritual. But that does not mean it will be so obvious on the surface. Maybe by the time you read this many things will have already occurred and you are struggling with how to cope with this one fact: your entire life has been a lie. However that is a bit harsh to say it like that, but that is the weight behind such a punch in the gut of your psyche. I struggle with just how much to say here, for there is so much I want to share. Contact me with questions I don’t address here and I will do my best to help – really, I will, I mean that.
In short, in very short – and vastly simplified, life here on earth is a school. It is what is referred to in esoterism as “maya”, or “illusion”. Now we take that world illusion and immediately identify something negative with it. That is not the case. It is difficult to explain easily, however. Remember back in school when you might have asked the question (as did I many times), “when am I ever going to need to use this crap?” For me it was usually in math class (most notably in Calculus III in my final semester of college at age 41). In that context, let us call the “math we’ll never use” maya. Just because we identify it as illusion does not negate it’s importance in the realm of existence. Ugh, I hope that makes “some” sense.
Let me take another tack. The wizard of Oz. Oz was an illusion run by a little old man behind a curtain. What is happening to you now is that your are getting a view behind the veil. I have a term I came up with (I got a lot of ’em) many years ago to help myself explain to myself what this “life” was all about. Before I understood what I meant, I knew, even understood, there was a “Real Reality” behind the veil of what we call “physical life”. That Real Reality is life in the Spirit. Our purpose here down in the maya is to grow – Spiritually. In a nutshell, that’s it. If you can accept that, even for just a moment, let me move on.
As I stated above, your life, our lives, have been a “lie”. You can dissect this different ways. One way will drive you to the brink of insanity. But you don’t need to do that. The other is this. Whether everything we have come to know as “real” in our life – voting is always honest and truthful, the mainstream media always tells the truth, movies of violence and sex are merely entertainment, the foods we eat are always healthy, fast food is real food, GMO benefit humanity, chemtrails are to protect us from the sun, fluoride in toothpaste prevents cavities, etc. etc. – is and has always been simply part of the maya, the school of learning. You might think it cruel to have been deceived. It certainly has been. Why? Because it has always – always – been about keeping you stunted from growing spiritually as a human being in preparation for what is occurring in humanity’s evolution right now – a breakthrough in human consciousness to a level never before possible. And this lie has been successfully perpetrated by a cabal of evil genius for generations. Until now. And THIS is what you are witnessing right before you.
My road to awakening was long, even grudgingly so. But there are no mistakes, absolutely everything that happens in life has a reason set in the higher realms – for the good. My journey brings me to what I know of Truth at just about 60 years old. But I ask God for 30 more years and I somehow feel (humbly so) that this is His plan (for me). Maybe. Maybe not. Regardless, the rest of my life is dedicated, however I am led, to the service of others, the service of humanity. Why? Because I still crave to know more Truth, deeper Truth. It is in giving that we receive, it is dying to self that we are borne to eternal life (i.e. the Real Reality).
Do not fear to look into the abyss. It is what is referred to as “the dark night of the soul.” And let me tell you, though that statement is singular, one may experience many such “nights”. I lost count long ago of mine. My most recent I am only right now, as I write, coming out of: I began to let the lack of information as to what was going on dig a hole in my psyche, my faith, my “knowing”. The result? I sabotaged myself into illness where my doubt laid me out for 3 solid days of little to no food, no strength to move and barely enough energy to think at all – but just enough to “wake me back up” to Reality. As stated above; When you fall, simply get back up and continue forward. The hardest thing you will ever do in life is not deal with having been lied to in its entirety. No, the hardest thing to do in life is to take a long, honest look inside yourself and face your part in that lie. We have all been guilty of it. But you are not alone.
Are you awake yet? Whether or not you think so, know this – you are loved and we, that is I, am / are here for you. If you want to talk or ask me questions, click the contact link in the footer.