An Open Letter
This is directed to my wife’s siblings regarding Erin’s care for their mother…
Forgive the lack of a back story. The players here know who they are. Generally speaking, “Mom” suffered a “heart attack” about 14 months ago (from the date of this post). Less than a month later, my wife, Erin boarded a plane alone (which, in and of itself – if you know Erin at all – is/was a big deal) and flew with little-to-no thought to stand in and care for her mother.
I, her husband, write this post in response to the continuing, unnecessary roadblocks, suspicions and hardships my wife suffers by her siblings (10 brothers and sisters). I would like, however, to make it clear that there are within the 10, two brothers I am deeply indebted to for their full support over these past 14 months (and continuing). If it were not for one, Erin and I would have nowhere we could call “home”. If not for the other, we would have no one on our side that not only has fought for “financial fairness” in our dilemma, but has contributed out of his own pocket what he could. I hold one other brother in reserve who, it would seem after 14 moths of silence, has decided to arbitrate on Erin’s behalf. It is too early to assess whether or not his involvement will have any lasting substance. However, if his intent and motives are pure, I am grateful.
The Letter
Before anyone criticizes what is revealed AS THE TRUTH about the financial (plus emotional, physical, marital) burden that Erin has taken on IN ADDITION TO the responsibility of Mom’s ENTIRE i.e. physical, physiological, mental, emotional and general CARE, let me (Ken) propose the following. Since EXPERIENCE is the ONLY revelation of truth, I challenge any who question Erin’s INTEGRITY, ABILITY, HONESTY, and SINCERITY to FIRST do the following:
- Blindly CHOOSE to get on a plane to come and BE WITH AND CARE FOR Mom WITHOUT and concern for “ME”, my future, or my marriage.
- Take on the initial task of not only Mom’s care, but PUTTING A DEFUNCT, DISORGANIZED, FAILING HOUSEHOLD in order.
- Assess – through personal study, endless sleepless nights, worry and stress – the extenuating circumstances of Mom’s current state of physical health (The so-called experts claimed Mom was faced with AMPUTATION of certain toes, for example) and spend countless hours researching how to (personally*) address and HEAL the issue. (Erin, accompanied by Kevin, spent months cautiously, carefully, LOVINGLY, applying wraps of pure, fresh Aloe leaves, medicinal clay, etc. to her affected [read: PURPLE] toes and, eventually, HEALED THEM (there exists photographic evidence))
- Assess – through personal, prevalent, existing, knowledge (IF you possess it [Erin almost died at the hands of allopathic medicinal practices in the past and learned through much effort about how to care for HERSELF, and therefore others)] – the nutritional needs that would help Mom in her recovery. Erin, and with Kevin’s input, established a “breakfast” protocol that supplies Mom with ALL the subsidiary nourishment she requires to empower her body to respond positively to its needs to combat her (personal, physiological) challenges.
- Then, establish a DAILY routine where Mom is FREE to make her OWN CHOICES and at the same FEEL comfortable and CONFIDENT as hour of each day goes by. This is NOT a SET IT-AND-FORGET type scenario. How so? Any routine you establish for a person who REQUIRES CONTINUAL ATTENTION in order to FUNCTION anywhere near a NORMAL lifestyle, requires 24-7-365 attention from the caregiver. In this case, THAT IS ERIN, AND ONLY ERIN.
- Once the former is established, STEEL yourself to be ON CALL EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY (or Mom’s waking hours). Though Mom’s cognitive capabilities are “intact” (after 14 + months, I [Ken] still elicit her sense of humor and more…) she needs help with most small tasks e.g. “please get me an apple”, “please help me find my show on T.V.”, “please help me with my pajamas”, etc. and the “unspoken” I address next. Most often, Mom simply desires to NOT BE ALONE. She worries about her children, the state of the world and “where is Erin” incessantly. To think this is anything but normal for one in her circumstances is AVOIDANCE OF THE TRUTH and unfeeling and, I might add, ignorant.
- Prepare yourself for the inevitability of “extremes”. I, Ken, do not know the details about the following, but I know enough to elicit an accurate image for your own consideration. “Extreme One”: When Mom gets up in the morning, (1) she may have “spilled” outside her “adult diaper” and the bed (assuming there is also a bed pad present) requires changing **, (2) once “up”, Mom needs a “sponge bath” of sorts, which Erin accomplishes by wiping Mom down with a Witchazel wipe — and, yes, this means Mom’s private parts.
- “Extreme Two”: Once a week Erin bathes Mom. She does this in the shower that Dana and Kevin remodeled while Mom was still in the hospital. Erin puts the “shower chair” in the stall, helps Mom undress, then, after Mom sits down, bathes HER ENTIRE BODY. Now, most of her siblings do not fully understand Erin. When there is something to be done – especially when it involves the BENEFIT AND CARE of another, she “pulls no punches”, nor does she consider to any great degree her own discomfort, safety or health. Erin bathes Mom over and above what any non-family-connected care giver would ever perform. Erin KNOWS the benefit of keeping bodily clean (inside AND out) and performs this task with a focus of “Mom first.”
- Mom, being a devout soul, does not have the inner strength to “push” herself to, what I will simply characterize as “spiritual focus.” She performed one of the most beautiful renditions of “Ave Maria” anyone has ever heard. Christ is deeply embedded in her soul. It is THIS that she faces before her. Death is a reality for Mom. To think, to persuade, to believe otherwise is ludicrous and devilish at best. Death is a reality for all of us and, right now, the biggest reality that Mom faces. Therefore she needs spiritual guidance. This translates into spending time reading from the Bible and other works that edify and “lift up” this part of her inner-life. THIS is the most important preparation FOR HER and the reality she faces. If YOU don’t believe as she does, that is too bad – IT IS HER FAITH, HER LIFE, AND HER DEATH that is at hand. If you think you can care for her the way Erin has been, and continues to do, then THIS is a part of it. Period.
- Next, and not necessarily in any sequential order, put the care and development of your marriage on hold. Had plans for your future together?, put them aside. Had a set flow of “life-together” that has sustained and strengthened your relationship?, forget it – it no longer exists. Look to your spouse for automatic “on-demand” support (“how was your day honey?”) – gone, it no longer exists. Live physically apart for a full year, living separate lives, and see how long your marriage lasts or survives. Erin came to the end of her reserves and finally had to ask me (Ken) to come and live “permanently” with her in her mother’s house to help. I quit a job where I had aspirations and opportunity for growth for our future in order to answer Erin’s call. I made a commitment to her when we were married that I CHOOSE not to forsake. We now live in a state we, frankly, despise and spent the first half of our life together striving to escape. But we are here, we are doing THE RIGHT THING. That is our hope, that is our anchor. We are now dependent on YOU for how our future looks when all of this is said and done. However it pans out, Erin and I will remain together, stronger than ever. Think you could say the same about your marriage if you CHOSE to take on all of the above?
- There is much, much more to the LOVING care Erin provides for your mother. To question her trust regarding money, knowledge, sincerity or any other aspect of what she has put on the line for YOUR mother is at best shameful. In truth, questioning her in regard to finances reveals YOUR priorities in life. And to that I say: shame on you. For the sake of your own soul, your own destiny, wake up.
* “Personally” means without the involvement of “experts” who would only either prescribe pharma drugs or amputation as a “treatment” and hours of filtering through information available “online”, which means, for those mainstream allopathic doctors reading this, weeding out “quackery”. [When did we begin dismissing the WISDOM and EXPERIENCE of those individuals who, in ages past, KNEW how to treat ailments and illness NATURALLY, i.e. WITHOUT MAN-MADE DRUGS? We call their treatments of illness “barbaric” yet I have yet to see any modern architect or artist recreate today any ancient structure or sculpture.]
** In the beginning, before such routines and patterns could be established by Erin, virtually every morning Erin was met by Mom lying in her bed saturated in her own (pee). Not just that, but as Erin entered the room, the same had leaked onto the floor. Now, try to envision YOURSELF facing this task each day. THIS is what Erin removed from YOUR responsibility toward the care of YOUR MOTHER.